The Errant Æsthete

All right, people, it’s high time someone dealt squarely with this question: Does John McCain have anger-management issues? This potential problem on the Republican Party’s sword of Damocles, was raised recently from provocateur Christopher Hitchens, who dares to ask “whether [McCain’s] elevator goes all the way to the top.”

“However, we are still obliged to ask ourselves whether the senior senator from Arizona is a brick short of a load or, as heartless people in England sometimes say, a sandwich or two short of a picnic. Because “anger,” make no mistake about it, is the innuendo for instability or inadequacy. What if McCain doesn’t really have both oars in the water or is either too tightly wrapped or not tightly wrapped enough?”

So, a fresh and sly political subtext in a very bizarre campaign season. The two Democratic nominees remain icily calm when in each other’s vicinity—plain as it is that they cordially loathe and despise one another—while huge shudders of molten rage continue to shake the ample and empurpled yet graying frame of Bill Clinton as he broods on the many injustices to which life has subjected him. What a good time to shift the subject to the temperament (or temper) of Sen. John McCain and to hint, as did Michael Leahy in a major piece in the April 20 Washington Post, that we should wonder whether the Republican nominee has his tray table in the fully locked and upright position, whether he lives happily or unhappily in his own ZIP code, whether there are kittens in his granary or bats in his belfry, and whether his elevator goes all the way to the top.

“Anger management” is the euphemism that allows this awkward matter to be raised. In a solemn version of the old “Whose finger on the trigger?” question, Leahy was able to recruit the views of former Sen. Bob Smith, R-N.H., who opined that McCain’s rage quotient “would place this country at risk in international affairs, and the world perhaps in danger.” I once went on a TV panel with Smith and passed some green-room time with him, and I can assure you that premature detonations of any kind would certainly not be his problem. He combines the body of an ox with the brains of a gnat. Indeed, if his brains were made of gunpowder and were to accidentally explode, the resulting bang would not even be enough to disarrange his hair. He moved from being the most right-wing Republican senator from New Hampshire, switching to the U.S. Taxpayers Party after a distinct absence of what we call “traction” in his presidential run of 2000, tried to rejoin the GOP when he saw a nice, fat chairmanship become vacant on the death of Sen. John Chafee, failed at that, lost the nomination in his own state, moved to Florida, endorsed John Kerry in 2004, endorsed Duncan Hunter for the Republican nomination in December last year, and was last spotted on the Web page of the Constitution Party: a Web page that’s tons of fun to check out. And this cretinous dolt, who managed to do all the above without bringing out so much as a sweat on his massive and bovine frame, is the chief character witness against the impetuous McCain. Nice work.

However, we are still obliged to ask ourselves whether the senior senator from Arizona is a brick short of a load or, as heartless people in England sometimes say, a sandwich or two short of a picnic. Because “anger,” make no mistake about it, is the innuendo for instability or inadequacy. What if McCain doesn’t really have both oars in the water or is either too tightly wrapped or not tightly wrapped enough?